Bring Me The Head Of St. Lawrence Of Rome, Patron Saint Of Librarians

By Stephen J. Gertz

Martyrs roasting on an open fire,

Larry's last words bravely won:

Though it's been said many times many ways,

"Stick a fork in me, I'm done."

He's a patron saint of librarians because he sacrificed his life to save Church documents. He's the patron saint of cooks because he knew what it was like to be on the wrong end of a basting brush. And he's the patron saint of comedians because he was dying onstage yet still riffed a wisecrack.

The only Church deacon (of seven) to survive the Emperor Valerian's persecution in 258, St. Lawrence was afterward soon arrested for refusing to turn over Church treasures. By legend he was grilled to death and is said to have had the presence of mind to joke to his torturers, "I'm done on this side; turn me over."

There but for a consonant a myth is born. In the early twentieth century historian Rev. Patrick Healy postulated that the tradition was based upon a simple error. The Church formula for announcing the death of a martyr, Passus est ("he suffered," i.e. was martyred) was mangled, the "P" early lost in transcription, and Assus est - "He roasted" -  became the received truth. Not that Healy's hypothesis was accepted. It threw cold water on St. Lawrence; the faithful prefer the fire.

"When the legend becomes fact, print the legend" (The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance).

"His charred body was claimed by the Christians, and his mummified skull is still in the care of the popes. At the Vatican on the tenth of August every year they expose in its golden reliquary the head of Saint Lawrence that still, in the distorted mouth, in the burned bone of the skull, shows the agony he suffered to defend the archives of the popes" (Maria Luisa Ambrosini and Mary Willis, The Secret Archives of the Vatican. New York: 1996, p. 27).

Another apocryphal story, by way of Father Jacques Marquette, is that St. Lawrence inspired the classic Julie London hit tune Cry Me a River before being beheaded (his likely demise).



It is not true, however, that the story of St. Lawrence inspired Peter Greenaway's  1989 cinematic salute to roast human, The Cook, The Thief, His Wife & Her Lover.
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Image of St. Lawrence courtesy of Infolit, with our thanks.
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Unicorn Recipe Discovered In Lost Medieval Cookbook Found In British Library

By Stephen J. Gertz

Detail of a unicorn on the grill in Geoffrey Fule's cookbook, England,
mid-14th century (London, British Library, MS Additional 142012, f. 137r).

"Taketh one unicorne," marinade with cloves and garlic, roast over an open fire, and serve.

So begins a recipe found in a long-lost 14th century medieval cookbook recently discovered in the British Library.

"We've been hunting for this book for years," said professor Brian Trump of the Medieval Cookbook Project. "The moment I first set my eyes on it was spine-tingling."

A lady bringing the unicorn's head to the table
(London, British Library, MS Additional 142012, f. 137v).

It is believed that the cookbook was compiled by Geoffrey Fule, Royal Chef to Philippa of Hainault, wife of Edward II and Queen of England 1328 - 1369.

In addition to roast unicorn, recipes for preparing tripe, herring, blackbirds, codswallop (a popular medieval fish stew), and gobsmack (a succulent gravy prepared with the boiled phlegm of royal pheasants), are found within the lushly illuminated manuscript. 

Scholarship strongly suggests that Fule's recipe for blackbirds forms the  basis for the traditional English nursery rhyme, "Sing a song of sixpence / A pocket full of rye / Four and twenty blackbirds / Baked in a pie."

The remains of the unicorn
(London, British Library, MS Additional 142012, f. 138r).

"Taketh one unicorne..."

But from whereth?

House of Meats, Tampa, FL.

Booktryst  made inquiries regarding  unicorn meat  to a sample  of American  purveyors  of fine animal protein.

House of Meat, Hamilton, NJ.

"We don't get as many calls for it as we used to," said one. "Fans appear to have taken it on the hoof because of PETA and pressure from the unicorn lobby," he continued. "It's unfortunate because, when braised, unicorn falls off the bone and is really quite tasty, a festival on the tongue. And when it hits the colon it's carnival time. It's cutting-edge carne, a fantasy come true for carnivores with intestinal fortitude."

The Meat House, all over the place.

 "Being on the Apocryphal Species Act list hasn't helped matters," an anonymous dealer, who wishes to remain under the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service's radar, said. "I've tried very hard to imagine smuggling one in but, no matter what the hallucinogen, I can't. The Dream Police at work.

"It's weird," he went on, "because even though it's impossible to get a hold of a unicorn, tricorns are a dime a dozen.

"Have you ever had tricorn chowder?"

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Read the full story at the British Library here. It was originally posted on April 1, 2012. Draw your own conclusions. 

Illuminated images courtesy of the British Library, with our thanks.

 Apologies and thanks to the Homes of Meat for the images.

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N.B.: The Law Offices of Codswallop & Gobsmack are pleased to announce the expansion of their practice to include two new partners, and will henceforth be known as Codswallop, Gobsmack, Hornswoggle, & Hoosegow.

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