Laptop Computer Discovered On Ancient Greek Vase

by Stephen J. Gertz

μήλο φορητό υπολογιστή

Evidence that ancient Greek civilization possessed advanced technology beyond the Antikythera mechanism, the earliest complex mechanical instrument, used for calculating the movements of the stars and predicting solar and lunar eclipses - in short, a prototype computer - has been strengthened by the discovery of a laptop computer depicted on an ancient Greek vase.

The image is of the Oracle of Orpheus, the head of Orpheus offering prophecies to a young man who records the predictions on his laptop while Apollo observes at right.

Identified on the vase as μήλο φορητό υπολογιστή, tech-anthropologists have yet to discern how the device's mechanism worked; there is no visible evidence of power cord or battery. The young man appears to be operating a crude pedal with his right foot, apparently the source for power generation.

In what is, perhaps, the most troubling aspect of this image, Orpheus's head, supposedly buried near Antissa on the island of Lesbos after his body was torn apart by Thracian Maenads, is depicted as a late 20th century news anchor, a typical "talking head." This is radical because in ancient myth the head of Orpheus is usually singing mournful torch songs for Eurydice. It's tantamount to Frank Sinatra transmogrifying into the Oracle at Delphi and delivering a cryptic message as a late night news bulletin:

It's a quarter to three, there's no one in the shrine 'cept you and me.
So set 'em up Zeus, I gotta little story that ends in a noose.
We're drinkin' mead,  friend,
To the end
Of a brief episode.
So make it one for Eurydice,
And one more for the road

Orpheus rejected worship of all Gods except the sun, whom he called Apollo. But even Apollo had his limits and after listening to the Oracle of Orpheus until he couldn't stand it any longer, gave Orpheus the hook and shut his mouth. Here, Apollo seems to be saying, "Hey, I want one of those things!" It is entirely possible that this vase and its message went ancient-world viral.

In a telling detail, the young man is using a stylus to depress the computer's keys, conclusively demonstrating that from the very beginning laptop makers presumed everyone had toothpick fingers able to navigate a cramped keyboard design inspired by canned sardines.

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Sing Like Sinatra!

by Stephen J. Gertz

SINATRA, Frank, in collaboration with his vocal teacher, John Quinlan.
Tips on Popular Singing. NY: Embassy Music Corp, 1941. 32 pp.

Fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you...*

But if you want to sing exactly like Frank Sinatra your fairy tale will probably stay just that. Yet there is hope.

Tips On Popular Singing, which, like Buddy Rich's classic Modern Interpretation of Snare Drum Rudiments, was not actually written by its nominal author, is scarce. OCLC notes only six copies in institutional collections worldwide, and it appears in the marketplace like Brigadoon; only one day in a hundred years. It is a rarer than rare book. The last one to come to market that I am aware of was offered by Guernsey's Auctions in 2002, estimated price $6,000 - $8,000. It is considered to be  one of the most highly desired and coveted pieces of Sinatra memorabilia.

Title page to first British edition, 1941.

"Tips on Popular Singing by Frank Sinatra contains all that is necessary in the way of vocal instruction. All  instructive matter in this book is written in a clear, understandable manner and, if strictly followed, will be of great value to the aspiring student in the popular field." (Advertisement).

 Let's begin at the beginning:

When making a pass at Ava Gardner...

Once your mouth is where it's supposed to be, try this exercise:

Got it? "Give that boy some bread!" Use little mouth opening on GIVE, open it up a bit for THAT, still more for BOY, and close your mouth a little on BREAD - but do not chew the word, hungry though you may be: E-nun-ci-ate!

Now, take a breath. This is very important. It's the bobby-soxers that should swoon, not you.

The book contains A Word of Commendation  by Sinatra's then employer, the trombonist and Sentimental Gentleman, Tommy Dorsey. Also within are chapters on The Art of Breathing; the Care of the Throat; sixteen exercises; and Concluding Remarks:

"Now that you have concluded the foregoing exercises you will, undoubtedly, notice the marked improvement in your voice; that is, if you have followed all the instructions carefully...Remember that a good voice cannot be developed overnight, and that only through ambition, intelligence study, hard work and patience will you be able to gain perfect voice control."

"Hmmm...Open mouth a little on RING,
  A little more on A,
Further on DING,
Same another DING.
Yeah, I can make that swing!"

Cover to first British edition.

This was a very popular little book, immediately reprinted in Great Britain and Australia. A second American edition was issued in 1946.

A Concluding Remark of our own: When caring for the throat, avoid whiskey and cigarettes - do as Frank says, not as he does. He can get away with it; you can't. It's up to you, New York, New York.

Now, sit back and let Ol' Blue Eyes show you how it's done. (Mouth in Jaw-Drop position):

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Content pages to Tips on Popular Singing courtesy jazzsingers.com.
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* Young At Heart lyrics by Carolyn Leigh.
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