Showing posts with label book shops. Show all posts
Showing posts with label book shops. Show all posts

Friday, September 23, 2016

A Book Shop Owner As Stuntman

Illustration by Arnold M. Herr ©2016

At the Megalopolis Book Shop, Mickey Tsimmis was all about customer service. No matter how potentially catastrophic the request (i.e. pulling a book from the shelves), Mickey was ready to sacrifice his life to help out. Coolly insouciant (or idiotic), he ignored the peril that was routine while navigating through the thicket that was Megalopolis. Danger was his business and to satisfy a customer no obstacle was too great to overcome. Scaling the shelves was an Olympic event in his jungle jumble of books, where organization was overrated and safety was for sissies.

Illustration from The Wild Ride of a Hollywood Bookdealer by Arnold M. Herr, "one of the wildest rides since Thompson and Steadman (or perhaps Mr. Toad) took to the highway."

"Screamingly funny" (Bookstore Memories). 

Herr, Arnold M. The Wild Ride of a Hollywood Bookdealer. Berkeley: Poltroon Press in association with Booktryst, 2016. Octavo. Photo-illustrated wrappers. 136 pp. Illustrations by the author. BUY NOW.
__________
__________

Friday, September 16, 2016

A Rare & Used Book Shop Owner's Lament


Illustration by Arnold M. Herr ©2016

Poor Mickey Tsimmis, his innocence lost in cruel Hollywood, the burg without mercy, the hamlet of vulgarity, the city without a soul. It's Despairsville, man, a drag and a half. But relief and change you could believe in were routinely found at his Megalopolis Book Shop on Melrose Ave. east of La Brea, west of the moon, south of no north.
__________

Illustration from The Wild Ride of a Hollywood Bookdealer by Arnold M. Herr, "one of the wildest rides since Thompson and Steadman (or perhaps Mr. Toad) took to the highway."

Herr, Arnold M. The Wild Ride of a Hollywood Bookdealer. Berkeley: Poltroon Press in association with Booktryst, 2016. Octavo. Photo-illustrated wrappers. 136 pp. Illustrations by the author. BUY NOW.
__________

Apologies to Kay Nielsen and Charles Bukowski.
__________ 
__________

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Booktryst Hits 1,000,000 and Plans For The Future

by Stephen J. Gertz

This week, Booktryst, established in May, 2010 to cover the world of rare books and cross-over to a general audience, exceeded 1,000,000 page-views. This stat, representing readership of Booktryst's deep archive of over 1,000 post-features with daily additions, has been our threshold for establishing a strong brand identity and international presence to justify a complete redesign of the site, and, importantly, to attract advertisers with well-developed real estate that has earned readers' loyalty and confidence.

That process is now underway; the new site will debut in the near future but not a moment sooner than necessary to get it right; we have thus far been very patient and see no reason to be otherwise. All advertising will be curated so that Booktryst readers can have confidence in our advertisers; the site will not be junked-up with ads from vendors of dubious virtue or products; advertisers will be vetted.

Of note to potential advertisers is that Booktryst has established a solid global identity. In descending order of national presence, Booktryst readership is strong in the United States, the United Kingdom, Canada, France, China, Australia, Germany, India, Italy, and Russia. Note the presence of China and India, currently #5 and #8 in our fan club, hugely important emerging marketplaces ripe for promoting your business to a well-defined target audience with increasing disposable income and anxious to spend it on goods and services of personal interest and importance.

Our ad rate card is in development. Interested advertisers may contact the publisher for details and to reserve space in advance of Booktryst's debut in new format.

Of importance to our loyal readers, Booktryst will continue to remain independent of the dealers whose offered volumes we often feature in our stories. Booktryst has never accepted fees for promoting dealers' stock and will never do so. All  books written about are chosen by the editor out of personal interest; we do not accept requests. We proudly promote the world of rare books and the trade but are not shills for individuals.

The new Booktryst is on the way. Keep watching the skies.

• • •

Booktryst was recently the subject of a wonderful article in Americana Exchange Monthly, Booktryst - Blog Extraordinaire.
__________
__________

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Books, Drugs, and Wallpaper

by Stephen J. Gertz


Struggling booksellers seeking new ways to broaden their client base and increase profits may wish to follow the model of F.W. Richter, who, in 1907, advertised in Tried and True: a Collection of Approved Recipes, a cookbook by the Trinity Church of Niles, Michigan issued by the Mennonite Publishing Co. of Elkhart, Indiana.

Like a wise investor, he held a diversified portfolio of inventory just shy of you name it. When book sales were down he could leverage the loss against sales of drugs, art, stationary, wallpaper, spices and extracts.


He even had promotional glass bottles made, a masterstroke as bookmarks are throwaways but bottles are forever and useful, particularly for storing pure extract of book while broadening brand awareness.

In 1907, nostrums containing heroin, morphine, and cocaine were readily available (though by then regulated) in drug stores. Considering that many of us believe that books produce a euphoric altered-state the retailing of drugs and books in concert, though cross-addiction a distinct possibility, makes perfect sense.

Not sure about the wallpaper, though.

Stacked paperback wallpaper from Anthropologie.

Unless it's book-oriented. Then, like Daniel, you can read the writing on the wall in the comfort of a den, "Mene, Mene, Tekel, u-Pharsin," y'know what I mean? Probably best, though, to keep the lions on a short leash, fed and sated.

• • • 

Mennonite Publishing Company, 1886.

The Mennonite Publishing Company existed from 1875-1925. "The Mennonite Publishing Company did an outstanding service in its book and periodical publications both in German and English, serving not only the Mennonites and Amish Mennonites but also a large block of the Russian Mennonite immigrants, particularly in Manitoba. For the latter group it published the Mennonitische Rundschau and hymnals, catechisms, and confessions of faith" (Mennonite Encyclopedia, Vol. 3, p. 634).
__________

Bottle image courtesy of Bibliophemera, with our thanks.

Image of Mennonite Publishing Company courtesy of Gameo, with our thanks.
__________
__________

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

American Rare Book Trade Annals: Heritage Bookshop - The First Year

by Louis Weinstein


At the time of its closing in 2007 after forty-four years in business, Heritage Bookshop, established by Louis and Ben Weinstein and ultimately located in a former mortuary on Melrose Avenue in West Hollywood, California, that they morphed into an English chapel library with stained glass windows, had grown from nothing to become the most successful and respected rare and antiquarian book shop on Earth. Rosenbach Company was the dominant force in the international trade in first half of the 20th century, Heritage during the second half.

If A.S.W. "Abe" Rosenbach was the greatest rare book salesman the world had ever seen - and he was - then Lou Weinstein was most certainly his successor, raising the bar and setting a new standard.

Humor played an enormous role in his rise to the top. He never saw an opening he didn't step into with a  quip, often irreverent, a quality that endeared him to clients and colleagues.  You have, hopefully, mastered the "spit-take;" reflexive opportunities will arise throughout Lou's tale. As a prelude, I leave you with the following true story, one of many in the Weinstein treasury.

One Christmas, Dustin Hoffman and his wife were in the shop to pick out a few presents. Hoffman gave Lou a Los Angeles address for the invoice. Puzzled, Lou said, "I always assumed you were from New York."

"No," replied Hoffman, "I originally went to New York for acting classes."

"Oh, really?" Lou replied. "Did it help?" [SJG].

I was seventeen and working for Deutsch and Shea Advertising Agency in New York. It was April 5, 1963. The news of my father's death in Gary, Indiana the day before wasn't too painful, for I had hardly known the man. It had been years since I'd seen him; sometimes I would almost forget that I had a father. I knew he had been a good merchant - always making a living, but never more. I believed that by profession he had been a pawnbroker, junk man, TV and radio repairman, appraiser, seller of used clothes and appliances, and trader - all of which he practiced under the name of "Irving's Trading Post."

Ben and I packed for Gary to deal with those things that must be dealt with by next of kin. In truth I'd heard of Indiana but "Gary" was a total mystery. I knew Chicago was not far.

When we arrived, it was explained to us by the attorney reading the will that my father's estate consisted of a $3,000 insurance policy and his business. With luck the $3,000 would cover the funeral and legal fees. The business, yet to be seen, was the asset left to his eight children, of which I was the youngest. Realizing that this was my only inheritance (for my mother had died twelve years before), and I hadn't any relatives asking for a recent address, I figured this was it.

Driving to the store made me nervous, for the streets reeked of poverty. We must have passed a hundred winos, pimps, hookers, and run-of-the-mill hoodlums within a half mile of the shop. The sign was simple, "Irving's Trading Post - We Buy and Sell Everything." It occurred to me that it was ideally located for its clientele. The window was full of used clothes, guns, tools, knives, eyeglasses, and good reproductions of costume jewelry. In the right corner as we entered stood a four-shelf bookcase, which, though unknown to me, would be a large part of my destiny. "Used books individually priced," the sign read.

Brothers, Jerry and Bob, arrived from the West Coast, and the search was on. We spent the first four hours looking through my father's world, trying to decide why people would pay real money for such junk - broken radios, clocks with only one hand (for good guessers?), lots of clothes with lots of holes (not stylish but functional). In the back room an old American flag draped his bed; it lacked a few stars, but who counted? By the front door, proudly mountd under glass, were officer's bars from the U.S. Army - Lieutenant, Captain, Major - neatly captioned, "Irving's own - Not for sale." Pretty impressive for a man who never made sergeant!

Probably a good deterrent for a would-be thief. The officer who found my dad's body (in front of the store) told me my dad was "packin'." Later I understood this to mean he had three loaded weapons in his possession. Nice neighborhood!

The search continued into the night, for we all knew Dad loved to hide his valuables. In the basement behind some loose bricks in the wall, we found a checkbook and a map. The checkbook's balance was too low to pay for the cab ride to the bank. The map was familiar. It seems my dad had mentioned a map he acquired (from a local wino, no doubt) of a cemetery in East Germany with the location of a half million dollars in gemstones buried at the end of the Second World War. The fantasy was intriguing, but who knows if it's still there and what it is. I've often been tempted to put the map in a Heritage catalogue as:

Map. Manuscript, folded. Buried treasure. $1/2 million worth.

Unpublished, of course. $5,000 net. No 'on approval" orders. I wonder how many I could sell.

It was decided we should have a sale, disposing of what we could, maybe even earning enough to cover our flight home. I quickly realized that at the right price almost anything is saleable.  I started to gain respect for the items I had thought of a week before as mere junk. It was definitely a learning experience and my first real exposure to the world of business and barter. I was excited!

I had to get back to New York, to my job of proofreading copy for classified ads. In the 'help wanted" sections were ads for engineers, systems analysts, technicians; it quickly grew boring. I missed the muck of Gary, the negotiating, the trading, the surprises. Ben had less to miss, for he was managing a home-made fudge shop in New Jersey.  Bob went back to his air Force station in Coos Bay, Oregon.

Ben and Jerry decided to move the remaining treasures to California and perhaps carry on a business in the tradition of my father. After all, they had thirty days' experience in the trade, so it wasn't as if they were going into it blind. Off they went with their fake jewelry, clothes with holes, toasters that hadn't touched bread in years, broken guns and miscellaneous objects we never could identify. They also brought the four shelves of unsold books, each neatly stamped on the front flyleaf, "Irving's Trading Post, Gary, Indiana."

Off they went, goodies and all, to Beverly Hills, California to find an appropriate location for the new shop. It was quickly discovered that if the price of every item in the inventory was doubled and everything completely sold out in thirty days, they still wouldn't have enough to meet the first month's rent. A second choice of location, of somewhat lesser prestige, was made - Compton, the Harlem of Los Angeles. The rent for the 2800-square-foot store was $200 per month - a lot of money but not impossible.

By July, I was hot and ready to join them in their new venture, "B&J Merchandisers." Jerry picked me up at L.A. International Airport on July 2nd and freely shared with me the glories of being self-employed, with your own hours and unlimited income. I was intrigued. Within weeks a settlement was reached. I was to exchange my entire net worth for Jerry's half interest in the new business. Now $300 was a lot of money, but heck, I was seventeen and without promise of a profession, so I decided to chance it. It was hardly a week before I realized that suing your own brother was impractical. "Your own hours" turned out to be 7 AM to 7 PM, seven days a week. "Unlimited income" meant there was no limit on how little you could make in an eighty-hour week!

The shop was located on a main street (Compton Blvd.) and catered to a local clientele of mostly Blacks and Mexicans. Due to a frugal lifestyle, we were able to reinvest what monies did come into building an inventory.

Within six months we had a store full of rarities, including appliances, clothes, tools, jewelry, and lots of books. Books, it seems, were acquired rather easily, for the word got around that Ben and I had a high school education. We paid five cents for any hardback and two cents for paperbacks (still do). It appeared that fifty percent of all Comptonians were in the business of cleaning and hauling from other people's garages. Books were previously considered unsaleable in this community until B&J Merchandisers arrived.

One day in November, four thousand volumes later, I pointed out to Ben that we probably accumulated the world's largest collection of Reader's Digest condensed books. Perhaps at five cents for hardbacks we were paying too much, so we lowered it to two cents - a major management decision. Beyond this we realized the only books we could sell in this low income community were "how-to fix it yourself" books - for cars, televisions, air conditioners, dinners, or divorces.

About this time a book scout named Al Taylor walked into our shop. He tried to convince us that some old books were worth ten dollars or more. That gullible we weren't! Fortunately for us, Al spent days in the weeks ahead explaining some realities about the trade. Fiction was virtually worthless, he stated; cookbooks, Americana, picture books, and auto-repair manuals were hot stuff. Our appetites were whetted, but we needed to learn more, so from an old AB [American Bookman] which Al had given us, we ordered the newest reference book, Roskie, The Bookman's Bible. This book  listed books chronologically, then by author's initials, then by titles. Thus Baum's classic, The Wonderful Wizard of Oz, published in 1900, would be found as "1900B.L.W.W.O.O. 300 (value)." After I conquered the cryptography the detective work really appealed to me. Within a few weeks Ben and I had this funny little book memorized. At this point we figured we had conquered the profession of antiquarian bookselling.

One Sunday afternoon a visitor came to our door. His name was Peter Howard.

"Do you have any first editions of William Faulkner?" he asked.

"One second," I said, as I turned to call to Ben, who was working in the back, alphabetizing the Reader's Digests. "Hey, Ben, did you ever hear of William Faulkner?"

A long, thoughtful pause was followed by, "Did he write cookbooks or auto-repair manuals?"

Peter's eyes brightened as if we had said, "Yes, we have his entire archives."

"You never heard of William Faulkner?" he reiterated.

"Uh-uh," came my fluid reply.

Peter turned to his companion and said, "This is going to be fun."

Three hours later, an impressive stack of fourteen titles stood on our counter - all fiction.

"Ben," I whispered, "I think we have a live one here."

Perhaps he'd like a complete run of Reader's Digest condensed, I thought to myself. The man's vocabulary was somewhat peculiar. He used such terms as issue, proof, variant, wrapper, state. Perhaps we had found our first collector! The total purchase was $27.00 - a calculated profit of $26.30, I mused. He seemed pleased, so I didn't feel I took advantage, even though he didn't ask for a discount.

"Nothing signed?" he asked on the way out.

This I understood (from my talks with Al Taylor), and I pointed to our signed book shelf in excitement. He perused the thirty titles in four seconds and left.

"Not too knowledgeable a collector," I said to Ben, "passing up the cream of my scouting."

After all, the shelf included two cookbooks, seven fix-it books, four self-help titles, some major Arkansas poets and even a lieutenant governor - all in presentation copies. After he left, Ben realized we had neglected to show this fiction collector our greatest find - a presentation copy of Aimee Semple McPherson's, acquired a week before, at our regular hardback offering of five cents. The book was proudly displayed, open, in our front window. I reached in to reassure myself it was still there.

"Ben," I screamed, "someone robbed it!"

"The book?" he asked.

"No, the signature." It seemed that one week of direct sunlight had completely eradicated the inscription. Thank goodness it wasn't the inscribed Dale Carnegie, I thought.

After seven months I decided it was time to weed the stock, which now amounted to some 7,000 volumes, for space was quickly becoming a problem. Satisfied with my knowledge of what titles were in demand, I made it my morning project to cull out four boxes of books, destined for the trash. During lunch a man drifted in to browse.

"What's in the boxes?" he asked.

"Some new arrivals," I quickly replied, thinking I could sell one. "Help yourself."

After he had browsed through our stock for half an hour I didn't have much hope for him. but who knows? Three minutes later, he pulled eight books from the dregs, paid me and left.

This experience somewhat unnerved me, for he had just purchased my garbage.

I quickly and quietly returned the balance of the four boxes to the shelves. Somehow I was no longer up to the project. Perhaps I should put our entire inventory in boxes on the floor, I thought. It might be a bonanza. That evening, Ben checked for cars on the street. None were coming, so we closed early (9:30 PM) and indulged in a steak at the Sizzler.

By the ninth month, I counted 8,500 volumes in hardback, with most of our money, time and energy going into replenishing the inventory. Our reference library now consisted of forty volumes, mostly price guides and catalogues, some of which were less than twenty years old. We found ourselves quickly losing interest in the junk business - too much competition and a depleting stock.

In truth, the store was a good learning experience and an example of the adage, "There's a customer for everything."   One day a man came in to buy an overcoat and found a suitable one for $10.00. He left his old one behind, asking if we would dispose of it for him. After he had left, Ben dusted the old coat and put it on the clothes rack. By the end of the day, it was gone, with another ten dollars in the till.

Our one-year lease was coming due, and a decision had to be made. I wrote to Gerald, a brother in New York, and told him of my options. I could either open a used book shop or a floating hot dog stand. It seems when I went out to the ocean, I noticed hundreds of boats, but never a food concession in the water. A floating restaurant, serving hot dogs, had to be a wonderful idea.

Gerald wrote me back, and I quote, "Lou, you've always trusted my judgment, you know I am a person of good business sense and reason. No one buys used books but a floating hot dog stand? I love it!"

Somehow God blessed me to ignore his wisdom. Who knows? I might this day, with my chain of floating hot dog stands, be writing this article for The Professional Hot Dog Boatman. Somehow, though, I feel we made the right decision.
__________

Heritage Bookshop - The First Year originally appeared in Issue No. 4, 1982 of The Professional Rare Bookman: The Journal of the Antiquarian Booksellers Association of America (ABAA), and is reprinted with the kind permission of the author.
__________
__________

Thursday, January 12, 2012

A Rare Book Dealer Collective

by Stephen J. Gertz

The illustration is from a poster by Albert Sterner (1863-1946)
advertising a lending library for modern literature in 1903 .

From each according to their inventory, to each according to their needs, The Collective, a group of seven ABAA members, has just issued its first catalog. While it is not unusual for two dealers to team-up, it is extraordinary for a group to do so.

The Gang of Seven - The Book Shop LLC, Lux Mentis, Tavistock Books, Book Hunter's Holiday, Anthology Books, Ken Sanders Rare Books, and B&B Rare Books - is a  cabal recently organized, I believe, during secret meetings at the home of Brad and Jen Johnson, proprietors of The Book Shop LLC. The Johnsons run a flophouse for rare booksellers of their acquaintance visiting Southern California, and I imagine that the plan for The Collective was hatched during a meeting of lively mood and ardent spirits. As Ian Kahn of Lux Mentis is an evangelical gourmand, there is no doubt that delicacies were served and savored.


Created especially for the San Francisco Book Fair and the 45th California International Antiquarian Book Fair in Pasadena, CA, there are a few delicacies from all concerned served up in this catalog for you to consider.

Lest there be any doubt, The Collective is a commune of hard-core capitalists. This is the rare book business.

I'm featuring this catalog today simply because it provides an excellent solution to the ever-spiraling cost of print catalogs, and is a sterling example of how our trade, despite being highly competitive, is absolutely dependent upon the cooperation and trust of its members.
__________

A print or PDF copy of The Collective's catalog may be had by contacting Brad Johnson at The Book Shop LLC.
__________
__________

Monday, December 19, 2011

Damascus Bookshops Victims of Syrian Uprising

by Stephen J. Gertz

Sidewalk booksellers in Damascus' Souq al-Salihiya. Photo credit: al-Akhbar.

The Maysaloun, Zahra, Yaqza, al-A'ila, Fikr wa Fan, and al-Nahsa al-Arabiyya book shops in Damascus, Syria, the city's intellectual hubs and lifeblood, have closed, as have recently many others. They have been converted into fast food shops, pharmacies, shoe stores, internet cafes, and commercial bank branches. The Arab Spring, Syrian uprising, and international sanctions have taken their toll.

One of the oldest booksellers in Damascus, Abu Ahmad, explains that “visitors and customers have become rare these days, and the painful irony is that some of them want to sell their books to us rather than buy our books.”

"The successive closure of the most famous bookstores in Damascus sums up the situation of the market for literature in Syria," Anas Zarzar of Beirut-based al-Akhbar-English, writes. "A quick survey of the 27th annual Damascus Book Exhibition that opened in September might be enough to answer questions surrounding the state of reading in Syria, with the printing and publishing environment in the shadow of a new cultural reality, influenced, like all things, by the events of the Syrian uprising."

Imad Houria, of Alem al-Maarifa book shop in downtown Damascus, an ongoing participant in the book fair, said “perhaps this is the worst year of any that we’ve participated in the exhibition. We were flooded this year with the titles of contemporary political books that treat the Syrian crisis in some of their chapters, but we lost the bet and the books remained piled up in warehouses.”

Another factor is the state of Arab publishing. Houria continued, “the number of books the big Arab publishers were supplying us went down because their owners were afraid of the events of the Syrian uprising and the downturn in the book market.”

In Houria’s book shop business was no better. Bookseller Mohammad Nouri also confirms that Damascus publishers have been printing fewer copies since the uprising began.

Sidewalk booksellers, an important part of the Damascus book scene, have also been affected by recent events. Every year, during the holidays of Eid al-Fitr and Eid al-Adha, it was customary for booksellers to move their stock onto the sidewalks in Souq al-Salihiya,  transforming the open-air market into a Mecca for bookworms.

Azad al-Molla Ahmad, a bookseller from Northern Syria who travels to Damascus to sell books on the sidewalk, preferred, however, to keep his books at home this year. 

Booksellers in Syria have always had difficulties. "There are huge problems to get free information and education," Bettina Laser of the Institut für Auslandsbeziehungen's CrossCuture Praktika, says. "Libraries are under governmental control and even normal bookstores offer the same range of books for years. They do not change their limited offer and follow the governmental regulations. The government is not interested in supporting reading and gaining knowledge about politics and social behavior."

The streets of Damascus have become a bit too unpredictably exciting these days, if not downright dangerous, and the odds against booksellers are roughly the same as those for Bashar al-Assad opening a kibbutz in the city's downtown - or any other - district.

It is revealing, however, that for purveyors of lingerie in Damascus' souk-al-Hamidiyah business is good, if not brisk.

HALASA, Malu and Rana Salam. The Secret Life of Syrian Lingerie.
San Francisco: Chronicle Books, 2008.

It is unlikely, however, that Syrians are reading about it in the above book.
__________

__________
__________


Thursday, September 8, 2011

The Wild Ride Journal of a Hollywood Bookseller: The Burning Passions of Mickey Tsimmis, 6

by Arnold M. Herr

March 2004:

I was puttering around behind the counter of my bookstore on Fairfax Ave. one afternoon, secretly hoping something would distract me from processing a boxful of unpromising books when the phone rang.  It was Mickey Tsimmis, who wanted to talk about his shifting moods.  He used them to gauge current business trends as they affected him, at any rate.

Mickey:  Right now I’m feeling bleak and somber with incandescent overtones.

Me:  Bleak nuanced with incandescence?

Mickey:  In so many words…

Me:  Not incandescent with somber notes?

Mickey:  More like grimness interlaced with sprightly optimism.

Me:  Well, when you put it like that, I think I can wrap my mind around it.

(I was staring at the box of books on the floor.)  I’d love to chat Mick, but John Kenneth Galbraith calls.

A summer day in 1989:

I saw Jack blunder out of Mickey Tsimmis’s book shop onto Melrose Ave. with a paper sack on his head and his foot in a plastic bucket.  I had gone over to Megalopolis Book Shop for what had become a weekly wallow in the shmutz at Mickey’s when Jack sagged to the sidewalk, exhausted.  I pulled the bag from his head as he rested against a lamppost.  He reached into his pocket, extracted a half-smoked Camel and lit it.

Jack:  Please, go inside and get my backpack before he loses or destroys it.  It’s behind the counter.  I can’t face going back in there right now.

I went inside and found the backpack as Mickey was about to step on it.  I told the Mickster I would be back in a moment and that I was on a mission of mercy, which had more truth to it than I first thought.  Outside, I handed the backpack to Jack.  He reached inside with trembling hands and pulled out a bottle of Gatorade™ which was actually more vodka than Gatorade™ and drank long and deep. 

Jack (regaining composure):  I was only trying to answer the phone – the one near the ceiling.  There was no place to open the ladder so I leaned it against a mountain of boxes and stuff.  Turns out the pile couldn’t support my weight and it all came crashing down.  I got sucked into the whirlpool and must have been floundering around for several minutes before I reached the floor.  It was frightening; everything went dark and I seemed to be spiraling and tumbling downward.  Things were hitting me and the noise was horrendous.  I’m sure I was screaming, but it was probably drowned out in the chaos.  (He took another deep, soul-fortifying pull on the Gatorade bottle).  I never got to the phone and Mickey will probably shit-can me for that and for being plastered on the job. 

Me:  C’mon Jack, I wouldn’t worry about it.  He always hires you back, sometimes within two or three minutes.  Just don’t wander off too far.  Try to have a good day.

Jack:  Thanks, but I’ve made other plans.

I left Jack and stepped inside just in time to see Mickey kill one of those frigate-class cockroaches (a beetle actually) by slapping it flat with his hand.  The bug’s goo shpritzed out from between his fingers and he wiped it on his shirt.

Mickey:  It’s wrong killing living things but it’s kinda fun seeing them splatter in all directions.

Me:  It’s a losing battle Mick, this place is infested with all kinds of vermin.  I.G. Farben couldn’t kill them all and we both know they’re experts at killing things.

Newspaper headline,  Los Angeles Herald-Examiner, July 18, 1987:

Judge Crater Found!

Remains located at used bookshop
In Hollywood

Owner claims he bought them at estate sale in 1960

Mickey Tsimmis, owner and proprietor of Megalopolis Book Shop on Melrose Ave. in Hollywood had been finding and misplacing human bones in his book shop for more than two decades.  He never gave it second thought; just one of those things in the world of used books, he reasoned.  “Neatness and organization were never my strong suits,” he explained.  “I often came across unusual things when I opened boxes that had been sealed and set aside for many years.  Odd bits of doodads and whatnots.  Articles of clothing, all sizes, all colors, all genders, prosthetic devices, bicycle frames, broken toilet seats.  I never throw any of it away.  I tell folks that it’s all going into my hope chest, although what I’m hoping for isn’t exactly clear.  Maybe it’s a hopeless chest.”

Tsimmis rambled on in that manner for most of the afternoon while he was held for questioning at Hollywood Station on Wilcox Ave. 

Judge Joseph Force Crater, a noted jurist in New York City in the 1920s, disappeared August 6, 1930.  He was never found, and foul play was suspected.  After so many years, interest in him fizzled.  But somewhere along the way he became the inspiration for jokes about packrats and their holdings.   If you accumulated lots of things, chances were, you probably owned Judge Crater’s bones.  This was a standard gag until the nearly complete skeleton turned up at Mickey Tsimmis’s store. 

The police were reasonably certain about Tsimmis’s claim of innocence in the disappearance and death of Judge Crater, but they were curious about how the corpse came to be found in Hollywood.  Tsimmis’s Megalopolis Book Shop is almost 3000 miles from the theater district in mid-town Manhattan, where the jurist was last seen.

At this early stage of the investigation, Los Angeles County coroner’s assistant Maury Thanatopsis declined to make a definitive identification of the remains until all the results from the tests are in.  Although the skull was found to be wearing a derby with Judge Crater’s name embossed in gold on the headband, Thanatopsis urged caution.  He also refused to comment on the cigar found clenched in the skull’s teeth.  “I know it’s tempting to want to put ‘case closed’ to this matter of the late Judge Crater, but I think we should wait until the coroner finishes the examination,” said Mr. Thanatopsis. 

Mr. Tsimmis told the police he was rooting around his law book section – “I have more law books than the U. S. Supreme Court,” he claimed proudly.  “I was looking for my past due notice from the phone company.  They were going to cut off my phone service.”  He kept turning up bags and boxes of what appeared to be human remains and, with several other bits and pieces he found over the years and which he had stashed in the rest room, he was able to assemble a nearly complete human skeleton. 

His first thought was that the bones belonged to the deceased from whose family he had bought an enormous collection of miscellaneous books back in 1960.  But that party had been a woman, and the presence of the bowler hat on the skull kicked that notion into a…well, into a tipped hat.

After several hours of questioning, Tsimmis was released.  He had never been a suspect in the death of Judge Crater. 

Outside Hollywood Police Station, Tsimmis seemed very agitated about the bones.  “They’re mine,” he said.  “I want them back.  I think I’ll set them out on display in a corner of the store.  Maybe call it the Judge Crater Reading Room.  That’ll be a nice memorial, don’t you think?”

[Note:  although the photo that accompanied this story is missing, printed below is the caption that appeared under it.]

Caption under photo:  Bookstore owner Mickey Tsimmis (flanked by detectives Hamilton Smegna and Dick Sideways) smiles broadly at all the attention he’s receiving while being led into Hollywood Police Station for questioning.
__________

Editor's Note: Molto Tsouris: My Life With Mickey Tsimmis, will continue after Mr. Herr pieces together more note-scraps kept filed away in empty boxes of Honey Bunches of Oats ("The Breakfast Cereal That Loves You Back!") and Cheez-Its ("Real Cheese Matters." And at Booktryst real cheesy matters a lot, though not as acutely as at the Megalopolis Book Shop, where Mickey Tsimmis liberally cuts the Limburger, daily and often).
__________
__________

Thursday, September 1, 2011

The Wild Ride Journal of a Hollywood Bookseller: The Burning Passions of Mickey Tsimmis, 5

by Arnold M. Herr

Dressing for the occasion:

Mickey Tsimmis was frantic.  I had just wandered into his book shop on Melrose, against my better judgment.  But sometimes I just can’t resist.  Stepping into the Megalopolis Book Shop is always risky.  Not only to one’s physical well-being, but to one’s emotional stability as well.  Case in point:  Mickey was clutching the lapels of a San Francisco bookseller, who jumped back in surprise and horror.

Mickey:  Please, I have to borrow your underwear!

San Francisco Bookseller:  What??!!

Mickey:  Your underwear!  I need your underwear!

San Francisco Bookseller:  Why, what for?

Mickey:  I have a doctor’s appointment in an hour and my underwear is…well,  I had lunch today at Tortilla Flatulence and…

San Francisco Bookseller (regaining his composure):  I can’t help you. 

Mickey (panicking):  You - you can’t?

San Francisco Bookseller:  No.  I already loaned my shorts to someone else…for soup stock.

Mickey (turning to me):  Arnold.  Lend me yours!

Me:  Sorry, no can do.

Mickey (greatly distressed):  Why not?

Me:  Because I’m not wearing any.

Mickey:  What am I gonna do? 

A woman entered the conversation.

Woman:  I’ll lend you my panties.

She then hoisted up her skirt and yanked down her drawers.  My god, I love the book business.  My parents could never understand this.

Mickey looked at them as the woman handed them to him. 

Mickey:  They’re spotted.

Woman:  It’s my time of the month.

Mickey:  Alas, it’s not mine.  The doctor’s sure to notice that.

The woman reached out to take them back, and Mickey was about to hand them to her, when he pulled back. 

Mickey:  On second thought, I’d like to keep them as a remembrance of this tender moment.

He stuffed them into his pocket. 

Woman (turning to walk away):  Use them in good health.
   
Now for the next crisis:  

Mickey was now rushing around trying to find a small container for his medications.  He needed something small enough to fit into his pocket and suitable for carrying the four or five meds he would have to take while he was away from the store.  There were no empty pill bottles around and an envelope wouldn’t do.  I spotted a small pencil sharpener that had a plastic receptacle under it to catch the wooden shavings and graphite dust.  I shook out the pencil particles and Mickey dropped his pills into the receptacle and closed it before placing it in his pocket.

Just then George came in holding a fresh pack of boxer shorts.

George:  Let’s go, we’re running late.

Mickey:  Oooooo, clean shorts.

George:  You can change in the car.  When we’re finished with the doctor’s appointment, you’re gonna take them off…

Mickey:  …in the car…

George:  …in the car, and you’re gonna give them back to me.  They’ll go back into the package, and the package will go into the trunk until your next doctor’s appointment.  (He leaned toward me)  We went through this routine the last time.  He borrowed my underwear.  I vowed never again.

Mickey whips the books into shape:
Mickey must have been channeling Lash LaRue or maybe Indiana Jones when I strolled into his book shop one day about 10 years ago.  He was wearing a pith helmet, jodphurs and boots and was strutting around the shop snapping the whip.

Mickey:  I’m controlling an untamed herd of quartos and octavos here.  But the ones you really have to watch out for are the 12mos.  They’re small and they’re sneaky.  They’ll bite you on the ass if you’re not careful.

Me:  Mick, are you off your meds again?

Mickey:  No.  I came up with the idea of using the whip to retrieve books from the upper shelves without going up on a ladder.  The doctor thinks I’m too shaky on my pins to climb anymore, so I thought this might be a good alternative.  [He snapped the whip for emphasis].

Me:  Do tell.

Mickey:  If someone asks me for something that might be up there, I first scan the titles with a pair of binoculars.  When I find what I’m looking for, I use the whip to snag it and pull it down.

Me:  And how good are you with that thing?

Mickey:  Stick a cigarette in your mouth and I’ll show you.

He started backing up and coiling the whip.

Me:  I don’t smoke; I don’t carry cigarettes.  And I took MY meds today.

I glanced up at the books on the upper shelves and saw that some of them bore the scars of having been flogged.  Mickey followed my gaze.

Mickey:  I know, I know.  But I’m getting better. 

Me:  Y’know, from a certain angle, you remind me of Cecil B. deMille.

Mickey (brightening at this thought):  Yeah…I coulda directed The Ten Commandments.  Can’t you see me barking out orders?  PART THE RED SEA!  Yeah…and I wouldn’t have used Jello.  That’s what deMille used you know; Jello.

Me:  Whatever you say Mick.

Mickey:  Stick with me kid, and you’ll learn things.

__________

Next: Oh, yes, there's more...
__________
__________

Thursday, August 25, 2011

The Wild Ride Journal of a Hollywood Bookseller: The Burning Passions of Mickey Tsimmis, 4

by Arnold M. Herr
 
Book scrounging in a Rolls-Royce:

I was scheduled to be interviewed by Weldon Broadstairs Piffle of the BBC, who was certain his listeners in the U. K. would be astonished to learn that there are actually purveyors of old and rare books in Hollywood. 

I phoned Piffle a day or two before his arrival at my bookstore on Fairfax Ave. and suggested that if he wanted to talk to a bookseller who not only dealt in old books, but was very old himself, he might want to talk with Mickey Tsimmis.  I told Piffle that Mickey’s Megalopolis Book Shop was only a short distance from mine and that he might find Mickey to be more of a fountain of early and arcane Hollywood booklore than I. 

Piffle wasn’t aware of Mickey’s reputation or of his existence and asked me how he might prepare for the interview.  I suggested a tetanus shot.  He said he would take the necessary precautions and then offered to pick me up at my place so we could drive over to Mickey’s. 

At 1:00 p.m. on the appointed day, Piffle showed up driving a 1929 Rolls-Royce shooting brake.  That’s what he called it, a shooting brake. 

Me:  It’s a woody, a station wagon. 

Piffle:  No, no.  Shooting brake.  It was designed for the hunt. 

Me:  What are you hunting for today?  A pastrami sandwich at Canter’s?

I had to admit though, it was a beauty.  The sheet metal was deep, deep red –  and then there was the wood, which covered most of the vehicle aft of the windshield, and that was blond and light brown.  With lots of nickel-plated trim, especially the radiator shell and the headlights, which were the size of garbage cans and made by Lucas, the Prince of Darkness.  And it had right-hand drive.  It sat in front of my store, gleaming.  Passersby glanced at it covetously; I wished they looked at my books that way.  I thought to myself, I’m a buck ninety-eight kind of guy.  If I’m gonna ride in that thing, I’m liable to break out in hives.

My sister , who was helping me at the store that day, stood in the doorway, enchanted by Piffle’s ride, his accent, and his Hawaiian shirt. 

Piffle (fumbling some coins out of his pocket):  I never know what to feed these parking meters here.

Me (pointing toward the Rolls):  Try a gold sovereign.

After the introductions, Piffle and I drove off to meet Mickey.

We pulled up in front of Megalopolis Book Shop just as Mickey and two people I’d never seen before came bumbling out the door.  The guy was very small with what appeared to be elm blight on his skin.  The woman towered over him; she also towered over Mickey, Piffle and me, and easily outweighed each of us by 75 pounds easy.  I had just stepped out of Piffle’s car when Mickey caught sight of me.

Mickey:  Just in the nick of time!  My car won’t start.  These folks have a book collection down in Gardena and we have no way of getting there. 

Me:  But this isn’t my car Mick, it belongs to Mr. Piffle here, the BBC guy... 

Piffle (to Mickey):  A pleasure to make your acquaintance Mr. Tsimmis.  I’d be delighted to make my car and my services available to you.

Me (leaning over and whispering in Piffle’s ear):  Big mistake.

Piffle ignored me and smiled happily as he shook everyone’s hands.  The couple were Lance and Penelope Schportzl. (I couldn’t make this stuff up).

Mickey (to Piffle):  Thanks Mr. Chump.

Me:  Piffle.

Mickey:  Mr. Piffle.

With Lance’s help, Mickey and I tossed a mess of cardboard boxes into the back of the Rolls and we all piled in and escaped the pull of Hollywood’s orbit.

As Weldon Broadstairs Piffle tooled down the Harbor Freeway I would turn to look at Lance and Penelope in the back seat to try and learn about the books we were going to see.  I was able to study the large and very deep vertical indentation in Penelope’s forehead.  It was maybe an inch and a half long and about an inch deep.  Mickey was holding a couple of quarters in his hand and I caught him also staring at the dent.  He later told me he had an impulse to insert a coin and pull her arm to see if he could roll cherries.  He wondered what the payoff might be.  I figured about a week in intensive care.

Meanwhile, Piffle was bubbling with enthusiasm about a first-hand look at the used book business.  He spoke into his recorder as he drove and told his listeners he was accompanying a pair of old California book hands on a possible book-buy.  He babbled while steering and shifting gears and would occasionally aim the microphone at  Mickey or me for a response to one of his questions. 

I asked Lance about the books; were they modern first editions, antiquarian books, fine bindings, illustrated books, early science, art, law, children's books?  But Lance wasn’t very forthcoming; I had the impression that he wasn’t really sure himself about what to expect.  Which led me to wonder:  are these his books?  Did he have authorization to consummate a deal?  This didn’t feel right and I sincerely hoped we weren’t going to get pinched for a B&E.  It wouldn’t be the first time for Mickey and me, but it might look bad with the BBC along for the ride. 

There wasn’t much conversation coming from Penelope; she was content with looking out the window and sniffing the emissions on the 110 Freeway.  I’d be willing to bet she really wouldn’t have objected to Mickey’s trying to stuff quarters into the slot in her forehead.  And I’d also wager that Lance would have been pleased to have had the extra dough.

Forty-five minutes later we pulled up to what looked like an abandoned house on a dismal, parched street.  Everything around the place was neglected and down-at-the-heels.  I told Piffle that this could work to a bookseller’s advantage; unprepossessing surroundings often held genuine treasures. 

Mickey (from the back seat):  That’s right, outward appearances are often misleading.  Look at me.

Piffle turned in his seat and looked long and hard over his shoulder at Mickey.  He withheld comment.

Lance told us to wait in the car while he scurried to the front door.  He pulled a key ring from his pocket but he made sure we couldn’t see him fumbling with the locks on the door.  Strange that he should be so furtive about this I thought, as the rest of us climbed out of the car.

Piffle (into the tape recorder):  We’re now standing outside a typical substandard tract home in one of many deep, dark subdivisions surrounding Los Angeles, California. The view from the sidewalk reveals a lawn that looks as if hasn’t been weeded since Harry Truman was president.  I see a faded bedsheet covering the large window at the front of the home.  And yet, if I am to believe what I have been told, as unpromising and unappetizing as this appears to be untold treasures may be lurking within. 

Mickey (shouting to Lance):  What’s taking so long?

Just then, Lance threw his weight against the door and it popped open.  We all then marched across the lawn, up the two steps and into the house.  The place had been closed up for too long and the funk came rushing out to meet us.

That’s not all that came rushing out to meet us.  Hard on the heels of the funk came the men in blue.  The Gardena police.  Half a dozen officers came tumbling out of the house as four police cruisers came screaming around the corners and up the street, screeching to halt behind us, blocking in the Rolls in case we were thinking of making a getaway. 

Unruffled, Piffle continued to burp up the narration for the BBC audience.

Piffle (into the microphone):  And here come the local gendarmarie.  I think the locals refer to their city police as the “fuzz.”  Which would lead me to think that small-town coppers would be called “lint.”  That rustling sound you hear is me reaching for my press credentials to show to the officers, and prove that I am only a reporter covering this event and that I have no criminal intent. 

Loud voice:  Drop that weapon!  Down on your knees and lace your fingers behind your head!

Piffle:  But officer, it’s only a tape recorder.  I’m a reporter from the BBC.  Look, here’re my…

Loud voice:  You wanna get tased? 

Piffle:  No, no, PLEASE.   YAAAAAHHHHHH!

[Clatter on soundtrack.   ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZTTT!!  Flopping sounds.]

Piffle:  Sniffle.  Oooh.

Loud voice:  You calmed down now?  Good.  I’ll pull out the darts.

Piffle sat up and turned off his tape recorder.  No point in having BBC listeners hear Piffle screaming and falling to the ground, so we’ll switch back to my voice.

Turns out that Schportzl had been looting what appeared to be abandoned homes in and around Gardena.  The local police had picked up scent and had been keeping tabs on him.  Penelope had more or less been going along for the ride, neither aiding nor abetting.  She was mentally too far out of it to be criminally involved.  Mickey, Piffle and I were soon released.  Since none of us had actually entered the property, we couldn’t be held for breaking and entering, although one of the coppers was convinced we had foreknowledge and were therefore culpable.  But the investigating detectives convinced him the city had no case against us.  Lance was handcuffed and deposited in the back of one of the police cars.  They didn’t know what to do with Penelope though.  They were hesitant about releasing her into her own custody.  It seemed she had nowhere to go.

Detective (to Mickey, Piffle and me):  Any of you guys want her?

We all declined. 

Detective (shrugging):  All right.  I’ll turn her over to social services.

Mickey (walking over to the detective and Penelope):  Excuse me officer. I have to do this…

Mickey began inserting quarters into the slot in Penelope’s forehead.  He managed to stuff in five of them and then pulled her arm.  No cherries.  No ringing bells.  
 
He was, instead, rewarded with two months in traction.
__________

Next: Mickey Tsimmis has a doctor's appointment and borrows underwear for this special occasion.
__________
__________

Friday, August 19, 2011

Destination: Books!

by Stephen J. Gertz


Nota Bene, Canadian bookman and Biblio File host Nigel Beale's blog, has developed into a new online service for bibliophiles, Literary Tourist.

The site's aim is to provide the traveling public - and those who love books - with useful information that will help them find and enjoy the best possible literary travel experiences, and, in so doing promote the well-being of used antiquarian bookstores and other literary destinations in North America and around the globe.

Literary Tourist's core database of  used/antiquarian bookstores comes from Book Hunter Press (BHP) a small publishing firm established in 1993 by David and Susan Siegel as a “service to our fellow bibliomaniacs.” BHP published seven North American regional Used Book Lover’s Guides with the goal of making them "the Frommers of the used books world.'

Nigel Beale points the way.

In late 2009  Literary Tourist acquired Book Hunter Press and spent the following year researching and developing this website. The existing database of some 8,000 used bookstores was refined and updated, and hundreds of literary landmarks, book fairs, writers’ festivals, rare book libraries and other literary destinations, events and activities were added, all with the goal of making travel more fun and exciting for book lovers.

The Nota Bene blog continues to be available at no cost through the new site, and for a modest $24.95 annual membership you can access Literary Tourist's entire online database of bookstores and literary destinations plus get exclusive content, event and sale updates, discounts, and more.

We like the new site,  all it has to offer, and wish Nigel Beale well.

Now that Nigel has staked his claim to become the Arthur Frommer of the book world, we eagerly await Rare Books On $5 A Day, a fictitious non-fiction novel about a parallel universe dreamed of but heretofore a figment of the imagination and fervid desire of a book collector of very modest means.

In occupied post-WWII Japan, Cary Grant and
John Garfield, naval officers and heavily armed
rare book dealers, meet with one Mitsuo Nitta
and make a deal to ship massive numbers of
rare American scientific journals in cargo
containers stenciled: Destination Tokyo!
__________

With the exception of the footer, all images courtesy of Nigel Beale, with our thanks.
__________
__________

Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Wild Ride of Journal of a Hollywood Bookseller: The Burning Passions of Mickey Tsimmis, 3

by Arnold M. Herr

Several years earlier:

I had stopped by one afternoon to drop off an 11th edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica.  Rupert Barnyogurt had asked for us to keep an eye out for the Handy Edition, a somewhat smaller format of the famed 11th edition, that took up less shelf space, although the type was also smaller than that in the standard format version and consequently, was harder to read.  Which goes to prove, that you don’t get something for nothing. 

Rupert’s gimlet-eyed neighbor lady was watering her gravel lawn as I pushed the three boxes with the books on my dolly around the side of Rupert’s house towards the covered patio where he worked and slept.  The woman eyed me suspiciously; Rupert told me she looked at everyone that way, including her own children and grandchildren when they infrequently came by to visit her.

I found Rupert trying to rebind a book with a house-painter’s brush and a tubful of Elmer’s Glue, rich and creamy.

Rupert:  I like the look of leather, but I no longer have the moola to buy a hide from bookbinder’s supply house.

Me:  You could skin a cat.  There’s more than one way to do it, you know.

Rupert:  Nah, I like cats.

Me:  So you’re using an old suede jacket.

Rupert:  Buckskin actually, and the boards are an old Wheaties box.  I don’t know what to do with the fringes though.

Me:  Use them for bookmarks.

He slathered great gobs of glue onto the book with the large brush.

Me:  Rupert, you’re making an unholy mess.

Rupert:  Wait’ll it’s dry.

He placed the sopping heap in the microwave and set a cup of water on top of it.  Then he closed the door.

Me:  What’s the water for?

Rupert:  My herbal tea.

He set the timer and let the oven run.  A few minutes later it pinged and he opened the door.  The water for the tea looked fine, but the book didn’t.  I noticed it was a copy of Lectures by Robert Ingersoll.  It was blistered, cracked and oozing.  I wasn’t so sure Elmer’s was meant to be microwaved.  Or that Colonel Ingersoll deserved that kind of treatment.  Rupert set the cup aside and gently probed the buckskin eruptions on the book’s covers with a bone folder. 

Rupert:  Hmmm, interesting texture.

Me:  I used to get that way after eating tomatoes.


Meanwhile, back in the now:

Mickey cleared his throat and that brought me back to the matter at hand:  placing Rupert’s body next to his deceased mother, deep in the cluttered bowels of that colossal miasma of a house.

Me:  This is pretty disgusting.

Mickey:  I like it.

Me:  You’re not normal.

Mickey:  I have no gag reflex.

I spotted a can of lard atop a pile of old Life magazines; it had been opened but was covered with a plastic lid.  Why lard?  Why here?

Me:  I wonder if he used this so he could slide through these tunnels.

Indeed, there was a wall of debris, detritus, sludge and slime. We saw openings of various sizes that seemed to veer off in different directions.  During my previous visit the heaps were farther from the door; now there was very little room between the door and the heapage.

Mickey (pointing to the lard):  I don’t wanna smear that stuff on me, but we could spread it on Rupert. 

Me:  That would mean undressing him…

Mickey:  Yeah…
 
Me:  I’m not looking forward to this, Mickey.

Mickey:  It’ll look good on your resume.

Me:  Sure, when I apply for a job at Hollywood Forever Cemetery.

Without getting too graphic, Mickey and I unfurled Rupert from the golden curtain and covered him with lard using a trowel someone had thoughtfully left nearby.  Mickey found a cordless drill with a soft buffing wheel on it and thought to hasten the process by whirling the lubricant into those hard-to-reach places.

Okay, moving right along:  I bundled Rupert’s clothes together with some rope I grabbed off the floor while Mickey and I discussed ways and means.

Me:  Let’s use the push-pull technique.

Mickey:  What’s that? 

Me:  I’ll tie some of this rope under his arms and I’ll go in first and use it to pull him while you take up the rear and push.

Mickey was distracted for a moment by a book he had dislodged from the Wall of Wonder.  It was a copy of S.J. Perelman’s Dawn Ginsberg’s Revenge.

Mickey:  I wonder how Perelman would describe the present scene?

Me:  I’m wondering how we’ll explain it to the cops if we get busted in here.  Is that a first edition?

Mickey:  No, it has the silver binding.  That makes it a second.  The first is green.

Me (shaking my head in wonderment):  Mick, you’re astounding.  Here we are moving a corpse and you’re citing bibliographic points on S. J. Perelman.

Mickey:  My mind is capable of working simultaneously on many levels.

So Mickey and I pushed and pulled.  We were crawling on our hands and knees, but it wasn’t too difficult getting Rupert through the viscera-like tunnel as long as we kept to the straightaways.  It was only when came to the turns that it became a struggle.  Tugging on the rope allowed me to use one hand for pulling and the other for holding the flashlight.  But at the turns, I had to put down the light and use both hands to pull.  Mickey had to push on Rupert’s ass, which was slathered with lard, and the less thought devoted to that aspect of our labors, the better.   

It was hard to see; the flashlight was starting to dim and flicker, so to conserve the batteries, I would sight down the tunnels and turn off the light and try to remember the features and obstacles.  We must have passed an opening with a window at some point, because a bit of pale moonlight filtered in.  It was chilling and creepy.  The walls of the tunnels were kinda moist and sticky in places, and I had the unpleasant sensation that they were sucking nutrients from us as we passed through.

After what seemed hours, but may have only been about five or ten minutes, we reached an opening in what had probably been a formal dining room.  I’m only guessing here, but it was a large room with a portion of a dining table emerging from the rubble.  There was a couch and several types of chairs, but that wasn’t the surprise.  Rupert’s Mommy’s mummy HAD COMPANY!  There were many mummies.  Rupert had been a busy boy…and in a way, a good son.  He had provided for his mother in her last years and also for her afterlife.  Say what you will, but I’m willing to bet that mothers appreciate  that kind of consideration from their children.

I shined the dim light around.  It was a mausoleum filled with deceased former co-stars and character actors and actresses from Rupert’s salad days as a matinee idol in Hollywood during the 1950s.  Mom and lots of old friends.  Some were still recognizable…sort of.   The weirdness was enhanced by the moving shadows created when I shifted the flashlight back and forth.  The features on their faces seemed to change. 

Me:  Christ on a pogo stick!

Mickey:  Do you think he did them in?

Me:  I don’t know.   They certainly weren’t here during my last visit.  And yet some of them appear to have been dead a good, long time.

Mickey:  Which means Rupert may have engaged in a bit of grave robbing.

Me:  Mmm hmm.

Mickey:  Well, I’m sure it’s all for a good cause…

In spite of the ghoulishness of the scene, we both smiled.

Mickey (pointing to Rupert):  Now he’ll be among family and friends.  I like him more now than I did while he was alive.  By the way, have you noticed, it doesn’t stink too badly in here?

Me:  Our senses are desensitized.  We’ve been in the book business too long.

We stood silently for a short while, taking in the scene before positioning Rupert on the couch next to his mother.  We draped his clothing over his sitting figure rather than struggling to dress him fully.  Then we stepped back to admire our handiwork.

Me:  Maybe we should say some words…

Mickey:  Why, do you need comforting?

Me:  No, I was just thinking of Rupert’s eternal repose…

Mickey:  I was thinking of that collection of Dylan Thomas poetry I see over there. 

Me:  At a time like this, you’re thinking of looting the place?

Mickey:  Can you think of a better time?  I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Me:  You planning on a return visit?

Mickey (gesturing to take in the silent group):  You see anyone objecting?

Me:  I’ll wait out in the van.

Mickey:  Leave me the flashlight…and toss me those empty file boxes over there.

I emerged from the sphincter-like aperture inside the front door, which I opened carefully to see if the coast was clear.  It was and I made my way to the van, crouched down in the driver’s seat and dozed off for a short while. 

The bumping and fumbling at the side of the van jarred me awake and I saw Mickey struggling with a couple of file boxes filled with books.  He got the side door open and stowed the boxes before I could get out to help him. 

Mickey:  Start the engine and get us out of here.

Me (looking around):  Why?  What’s up?

Mickey:  I thought I saw a light come on in the gravel lady’s house. 

And so, as the palm trees were silhouetted against the pink dawning sky, Mickey and I drove off through the quiet back streets of Hollywood.  While waiting for lights to change, I would glance over my shoulder at the boxes of books in the back.  Mickey was chuckling softly.

Mickey (to himself):  Dylan Thomas, two Scott Fitzgeralds, Dylan Thomas, an original Nabokov butterfly watercolor. Ooooooooooooooh...
__________

Next: Book scrounging in a Rolls-Royce.
__________
__________

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Wild Ride Journal of a Hollywood Bookseller: The Burning Passions of Mickey Tsimmis, 2

by Arnold M. Herr

More on Rupert Barnyogurt’s last ride:

Mickey and I managed to dislodge Rupert Barnyogurt’s suet-filled body from under the piles of shlock behind the counter at Megalopolis Book Shop.

Much of the garbage, the books, the rocks, the assorted car parts, including a four-cylinder Nissan engine, had all been stacked higgledy-piggledy and shored up with two-by-fours and milk crates and threatened to collapse before Rupert triggered the landslide that ultimately did him in. 

We hauled him the length of the store, through aisle 2, then veered off to cross-aisle H, turned left into sub-aisle 3B, picked up the San Diego Freeway – oops, wrong turn – we backtracked along 3B to the Valley of Despond where we merged with the southbound traffic – a caravan of cockroaches were headed toward one of the store’s seven non-functioning refrigerators - and finally propped up Rupert just inside the back door.  I went up the street to get my van.  This was very heavy work; even if we had had two additional guys and a barking dog, it wouldn’t have made it appreciably easier.

It was quiet outside and I pulled the side door of the van close to the back door of Mickey’s book shop without being observed. 

Or so we thought. 

Mickey was the first to notice the movement in the shadows near the corner of the building.  He shrieked, but it was a manly shriek. When I turned, I recognized Patio Bob emerging from the gloom.  Bob was wearing a filthy trenchcoat, but no fedora.  Instead, he was wearing a yarmulke.  Wherever Patio Bob felt tired, that’s where he would call home.  But given a choice, however, Bob preferred to sleep on patios.  Other people’s patios, since he didn’t have one of his own. 

This particular night, he settled for the alley outside the bookstore.  As near as I can figure, during one of Bob’s lucid periods, he was in the home improvement business working for contractors who built patios, decks and hot tubs.  He took a liking to patios; maybe it was the sense of family, nourishment, contentment and well-being that they conveyed  that made them so attractive to him.

But this evening was not one of Patio Bob’s lucid periods.  Mickey was trembling, but I was at ease despite Bob’s sudden appearance.  In the harsh light I could see Bob’s eyes rolling independently of one another and he was grinning.

Me:  How goeth the Grand Poobah of the Most Estimable Order of Weenie Waggers this fine evening?

Patio Bob:  We goeth well.

Me:  I notice that we speaketh as “we.”

Patio Bob:  The imperial “we,” not the tapeworm “we.”

Me:  I take comfort in that, Bob.

Mickey (still supporting Rupert’s weight):  Glrrch.

Patio Bob:  Mr. Tsimmis appears to be heavily burdened.

Me:  Aye, and there you have it, Patio Bob.  Our dear friend Rupert Barnyogurt hath imbibed a bit too heavily and we, his faithful companions…

Patio Bob:  …like Tonto…

Me:  Yes, like Tonto…anyway, we have charged ourselves with the responsibility of seeing Mr. Barnyogurt safely home to his…

Mickey:  …maker.

Me:  …mother.

Patio Bob:  Commendable.

Mickey:  And we are duly honored you think so.  Maybe you could cut the palaver and give us hand loading him into the van.

Patio Bob:  Nothing would please us more, except for perhaps a bottle of muscatel.

Me:  Ah, sadly we have no convivial beverage with which to reward you.  But Mr. Tsimmis will be pleased to grace your palm with a double sawbuck with which you may purchase SEVERAL bottles of muscatel.

Mickey (to me):  I will??

Me (to Mickey):  Give him the dough.

Mickey fished a 20-dollar bill from one of his four wallets and unhappily handed it to Patio Bob.

Mickey (to me):  You’re pretty generous with my money.

Patio Bob held up the currency to the light to check its goodness and then held it to his nose and gave it the shmeck test.  It must have passed, because he very carefully folded the bill to the size of a square dime and slipped it into the watch pocket of his jeans with a satisfied look on his face.  Then he helped us load Rupert into a passenger seat in the back of my van. 

Patio Bob:  What’s this thing he’s wrapped in?

Mickey:  An old curtain.

Me:  We didn’t want him to get chilled.

Patio Bob:  He does feel a little cool to the touch. 

As I was closing the side door, Patio Bob stopped me with a stern look and a firm grip on my arm.  Uh oh.

Patio Bob:  Just a moment.  You forgot to buckle his seat belt.  You wouldn’t want him to get hurt.

Me (relieved):  You’re right Bob, I’m getting careless.

I almost added that Rupert Barnyogurt was beyond getting hurt, at least in this plane of existence.  But I held my tongue.

Mickey locked the back door of the book shop as I climbed into the driver’s seat.  I watched Patio Bob retrieve his bicycle from the shadows of the building and pedal off into the night, visions of cheap wine before him.

I inched the van onto Melrose and headed toward the neighborhood south of  Paramount Studios.  It was an old cluster of streets where handsome old ficus tree roots were lifting the sidewalks at crazy and dangerous angles, and lovely jacaranda trees were dropping their sticky purple flowers on parked cars.  Large, regal homes were interspersed with crummy, modern apartment buildings that featured overblown names such as Le Chateau Ritz and the Cravenwood.  Another was named Condo del Bondo, but that was actually located down on South La Brea near all the auto body shops and nowhere near Rupert’s residence.  

It was between two and three in the morning and quite dark as Mickey and I scoped out the scene.  We had the remains of the recently departed Rupert in the back of my van, wrapped in a large fragment of the gold curtain that had once hung at the old Metropolitan Opera House in New York City.  I was silently praying a cop wouldn’t pull us over for some minor traffic violation and I was torturing myself trying to remember if both my headlights were working and if the taillights were illuminated.  I drove slowly and signaled for every turn. 

When we turned into Rupert’s street, we could see that his next door neighbor had her sprinklers turned on; she was watering the gravel lawn.

Rupert’s place was one of the grand old mansions that once lined these streets of old Hollywood.  His however, retained all the charm of a festering goiter.  The paint covering the stucco was blistering and flaking.   Rupert didn’t give a fiddler’s finoo about what the exterior of the house looked like.  He didn’t much care much about the interior either, for that matter.  All that concerned him was whether he could stuff all his holdings into it.  And he was pretty successful in getting it all in, at least when viewed from the street.  Quite a bit had overflowed out onto the patio at the rear of the house and into the back yard.  There was a ’51 Nash Ambassador out there, sitting on four flat tires.  Rupert once told me he used to sleep in the car occasionally – the seats folded down into a bed – but he started using it as a storage locker and was eventually crowded out.

I grabbed a flashlight from the glovebox and Mickey and I yanked Rupert from the side of my van and strong-armed him up the driveway to the front door.  I had taken the keys from Rupert’s pocket before we wrapped him in the musical curtain and now I used them to unlock the door.  We got him inside without being observed.  Rupert was big and heavy and it was a chore shlepping him in.  As Mickey and I stood inside the closed front door catching our breath, I remembered the last time I had been here.  It was several years earlier...

__________

Next: Amateur bookbinding with Elmer's glue and a microwave oven, and the odyssey of Rubert Barnyorgurt's body continues.
__________
__________

Thursday, August 4, 2011

The Wild Ride Journal of a Hollywood Bookseller: The Burning Passions of Mickey Tsimmis

By Arnold M. Herr

Mickey Glows:

Mickey often found himself in the dark.  And so would his customers and assorted schnorrers who might be loitering around in the shop.  They’d find themselves suddenly plunged into stygian gloom. 

That was because Mickey often neglected to pay his electric bill and the service would be cut off.  He usually tended to not pay much attention to the mail as it arrived each day.  He would wrap all the envelopes in a magazine and put a rubber band around it when the mail carrier dropped it on the counter.  These “postal burritos” were then set aside for perusal at a later date, perhaps in a distant, unimagined future, far, far away, and most likely by some yet-unborn archaeologist.

And so the lights went out one December evening just after Christmas.  It was past closing time and Mickey scrambled around for a while hunting for the delinquent DWP notice, but without any luck.  It was too late in the day to call the Department of Water & Power and plead with them, so he resigned himself to spending the night in the dark.  He located 14 flashlights, all but one of them with dead batteries.  There wasn’t much life left in that one either, although if used sparingly, it might see him through the evening and into the following morning. 

He then crawled through the tunnel he called a passageway (although it only allowed passage grudgingly) to his nest at the back of the store.  This is the area in which he slept, ate, cleaned himself and washed his dainty underthings.  He knew that with no electrical power a lot of the food he kept in the three barely functioning refrigerators (down from seven) would probably spoil, and if he was going to eat it before it went bad, now was the time to do it.  The freezer compartment on the largest refrigerator was the only thing that worked with any reliability, so any foodstuffs that needed chilling was kept in there.  The negatory was that everything in there froze into icicles and chewing on these morsels was wearing down Mickey’s teeth.

It was while gnawing on some frozen broccoli and an icy garlic bulb that he spotted a menorah entombed in ice at the back of the freezer.  Using a screwdriver and a hammer, he freed it from the glacier and was delighted to see that it also held candles in all of its nine cups.  He remembered he had a book of matches in a drawer behind the front counter.  He kept them because the matchbook cover offered a refresher course in toilet training for $11.95, and Mickey found that very interesting and possibly useful.

He clawed his way to the front of the store, found the matches and closed the cover of the matchbook before striking one.  He knew how to be careful when playing with fire.  He pushed aside the newspapers, the open can of kerosene, the oil-soaked rags, the handfuls of straw, the two 400 foot reels of ancient, decomposing nitrate movie film.  He pushed all this stuff about a foot and half away from where he intended to light the menorah.  He could be careful, but not careful enough. 

He was lighting candle number seven.  Mickey is right-handed.  For absolutely no good reason that I could figure out, he was lighting the candles from right to left.  As the wick on number seven ignited, so did the polyester sleeve of his outer shirt, which had been hovering over candle number four.  It was December, it was chilly and Mickey was wearing three shirts, one on top of the other.  He wasn’t aware for the first few moments that he was aflame – he smelled something burning, and when the fire had burned its way through the first shirt, sleeve number two and then number three quickly caught fire.  When Mickey had the presence of mind to note that something was indeed on fire, he briefly thought to himself “Something smells delicious.”  And he then looked down and screamed “It’s ME!  I’M ON FIRE!!  And I can read by my own light!”  He waved his arm around and set fire to the straw and scraps of paper.  Panicking, he sought to douse the flames with the kerosene. That was a really crummy idea.  The flaming liquid fell on the two reels of nitrate film and that’s when all hell broke loose.

KA-BOOM!

The resultant explosion propelled Mickey and the attendant fireball through the front window and onto the rain-soaked sidewalk in front of his bookstore.  He never let go of the menorah and not because of the holiness of the object.  Rather, it was because he was too stupified to release his grip.  The storm was still in mid-deluge and the Mickster was doused pronto.  He lay steaming and smoking on Melrose Avenue.  Quite a few of the burning books that flew out with Mickey were also drenched, thereby minimizing the fire damage to them.  All one had to worry about now was the damage the water was doing to them.

But Mickey was astonishingly lucky:  the crew on a fire engine was returning to its nearby fire station, saw the ball of flame spewing from Mickey’s store and was able to minimize the damage.  Yes, Mickey lost about 1500 books, his cash register was ruined, as were his two computers and his collection of 200 dried up ballpoint pens.  The vaporized 35mm nitrate film contained rare candid footage of Jean Harlow licking Burton Holmes’s ear.  Yes, that Burton Holmes.  Yes, that Jean Harlow.  From the footage, it appeared they may have been neighbors and possibly friends.  But now I fear, we’ll never know.  Before it was destroyed, I had had the opportunity to look at several frames (with the aid of a loupe) at the head end of one of the rolls.

Mickey raised his head and watched the firemen put out the flames as he rolled around in a puddle.  The guys on the hose sprayed the remaining smoldering debris and two members of the fire crew lifted Mickey from the sidewalk and sat him the fire truck’s rear bumper.  One of them looked curiously at Mickey, still clutching the menorah.  “The joke’s on you fella, Chanukah was two weeks ago,” he said. __________
__________
 
Subscribe to BOOKTRYST by Email