On 19th Century England's Master Thespian - and Acting!

by Stephen J. Gertz

Master Thespian.

Of all the actors to have ever graced the stage none have surpassed the bravura performance of he who  won the World Acting Association's Ultimate Acting Smackdown with Omlet's  soliloquy from The Existential Egg. ("I am darkly, starkly poached. O Gott im Himmel, to be sunny side up in S. Hoboken, New Jersey? Or not? How now, what gives?...").

Reviewers who were in attendance swoon at the mere recollection. Afterward, Meryl Streep, Sean Penn, and Robert De Niro announced their retirements; there was no point in continuing as long as the floodlights shone on the one who, having kicked Barrymore, Garrick, Gielgud, and Olivier to the curb, needs no name beyond that which captions his portrait in Theater's Grand Lobby: Master Thespian.

Master Thespian: [sitting st his desk, writing] Dear Diary: I am awaiting the arrival of my mentor and acting teacher, the great Baudelaire. Today's lesson is The Greatest Actor of All Time. Knowing Baudelaire, he will come over and try to fool me, as if there could possibly be another actor greater than I, Master Thespian. But today, it will be I who fools him. I hope.  [A knock is heard at the door] Yes?

Voice at Door: [mimicks trumpet fanfare] Make way for Her Royal Highness, Elizabeth II!

Master Thespian: One moment! [jumps up] Thank God! The Queen to see me! [at the door] Enter Your Majesty!

Baudelaire: [enters, disguised as the Queen] Thank you! I am looking for the greatest actor of all time! The theatrical community of all London told me I might be able to find him... here!

Master Thespian: Yes, your Majesty! The man you speak of stands before you!

Baudelaire: Ah-ha! Then you must be the great... Edmund Kean!

Master Thespian: [insulted] Don't be silly! I'm Master Thespian. Kean is merely a legend, and a very dead one. at that.

Frontispiece to The Life of an Actor.

Baudelaire: The dedicatee to Pierce Egan's The Life of an Actor,  the Poetical Descriptions by T. Greenwood, Embellished with Twenty-Seven Characteristic Scenes, Etched by Theodore Lane, Enriched also With Several Original Designs on Wood, Executed by Mr. Thompson, London: Printed for C.S. Arnold, 1825, merely a legendary actor?

Master Thespian: Yes! And barely one at that. An actor, that is.

Baudelaire: Oh, really? Why don't you try saying that... [removes crown and robe] ...to his face!

Master Thespian: Oh! Something is rotten in the state of Denmark: the ghost of Edmund Kean portraying Baudelaire playing Elizabeth II! You fooled me!

Edmund Kean: Acting! 

Master Thespian: Oh, please, forgive me..

Edmund Kean: No!

Master Thespian: Oh, please.. I beg you...[kneels]...on bended knee, from the very depths of my heart.

Edmund Kean: Oh, get up. I have already forgiven you, I was merely... acting!

Master Thespian: [fuming] Again?! You fooled me again! 

Edmund Kean: Thank you! Now, then.. what is the Question du Jour?

Master Thespian: Oh, Edmund Kean... Benjamin Franklin said, "The art of acting consists of keeping people from coughing." I've been offered to play the most difficult part of my entire career. I am to portray a dry cleaner with a wet nurse to satisfy his lactation fetish, trapped in the body of a woman with a hunchback seeking a female-to-male sex-change operation, playing the part of a five-year-old spayed chihuahua with a club foot who thinks she's a two-year-old neutered Persian cat with a ruptured left anterior cruciate ligament! My question is: How can I keep the audience from coughing?

Edmund Kean: [intensely considering. Then] Dose them with opium!

Master Thespian: Genius!

Edmund Kean: Thank you! And the audience will be spared the pain of your performance, too!

Master Thespian: [insulted] Oh, really? Riposte! The great Katherine Hepburn said, "acting is the perfect idiot's profession" -

Edmund Kean: - And you are perfect!

Master Thespian: Thank you! Wait a minute -

Edmund Kean: - Too late! Timing is everything. You really DO need to read Pierce Egan's The Life of an Actor, Dedicated to moi, Edmund Kean, Esq., The Poetical Descriptions by T. Greenwood, Embellished with Twenty-Seven Characteristic Scenes, Etched by Theodore Lane, Enriched also With Several Original Designs on Wood, Executed by Mr. Thompson, London: Printed for C.S. Arnold, 1825, the story of Peregrine Proteus, an actor forged on the anvil of Egan's imagination, and detailing the challenges facing the intensely stage-struck youth; the vicissitudes of an actor's life, and the world of the theater and its environs in early 19th century England. A British journalist on the popular culture scene, Egan is best known for Boxiana (1812-1828), Life in London (1821) and Sporting Anecdotes (1824); he coined the term, "the sweet science" to describe boxing. His was the best sportswriting since Pindar's coverage of the wide world of ancient Greek games.

[As Pindar, declaiming in the theater at Delphi] "The fame of Pelops shines from afar in the races of the Olympic festivals, where there are contests for swiftness of foot, and the bold heights of toiling strength..."

 Master Thespian: You really captured Pindar. I felt like I knew the man. Genius!

Edmund Kean: No. Acting!

Now, then... have you prepared the fencing scene from Hamlet?

Master Thespian: Yes! [grabs fencing foils] Here is your foil.

Edmund Kean: Thank you! Very well, then. You shall play the part of  Hamlet. And I shall play the great...Edmund Kean! By the way, you were brilliant in  You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown as Linus in crisis.

Master Thespian: Oh, thank you. And, may I add, you were a perfectly raging queen! Elizabeth II, of course.

Edmund Kean: [an octave lower] Of course! [an octave higher] Now!

[They begin to fence furiously. Edmund Kean staggers backwards as Master Thespian swings his foil near him]

Edmund Kean: [covering his chest with his hand] Oh, Master.. M-master, you've cut me.. look how the blood gushes from my very veins!

Master Thespian: Oh, please forgive me, it was an accident..

Edmund Kean: Don't be silly! [opens his jacket to reveal no cut] Acting!

Master Thespian: Oh, you fooled me!

Edmund Kean: Of course I fooled you! I am the greatest actor of all time! I am...Kean! 

Master Thespian: [thrusts foil] En-garde!

[They begin fencing again. Suddenly, Master Thespian drops his foil and falls gracefully into Edmund Kean's arms]

Edmund Kean: Master? Are you hurt?

Master Thespian: Oh, Kean, I'm afraid we've played this acting thing too far. You've made worm's meat of me! Adieu.. adieu.. remember me. Look! [points] The face of death is near! And so.. I flail! [his legs kick before his body falls limp]

Edmund Kean: Master! [cries] I have killed my protege! How... how... how will you ever forgive me?

Master Thespian: [stands] Very good! I was merely acting!

Edmund Kean: So was I! I've fooled you again!

Master Thespian: No! It is I who fooled you! For I am dead... and merely acting alive!

Edmund Kean: Genius! Yet I've been dead, mort, cadaverous, extinct, deceased and defunct for over a hundred and fifty years! It is I who am the genius!

Master Thespian: Curses! I see I shall have to read The Life of an Actor by Pierce Egan, dedicated to what's-his-name, to learn the secret to acting alive while dead yet still alive but actually a ghost.

Edmund Kean: Ah, yes! Have I mentioned it? The classic tome dedicated to moi,  a life on the boards scarce in original boards, no copy in the original printed and illustrated boards at auction since 1975, unrecorded by Tooley, whose copy was that issued in parts within wrappers.

Master Thespian: A pox on your house! I shall read it anyway, yet, bringing the method of the great acting coach from Brooklyn, Stan Islavsky, to bear, I shall only be pretending to read, for I am...Master Thespian!

Edmund Kean: Genius!

Master Tespian: No. Acting!
__________

EGAN, Pierce. The Life of an Actor. Dedicated to Edmund Kean, Esq. The Poetical Descriptions by T. Greenwood. Embellished with Twenty-Seven Characteristic Scenes, Etched by Theodore Lane. Enriched also With Several Original Designs on Wood, Executed by Mr. Thompson. London: Printed for C.S. Arnold, 1825.

First edition. Quarto (10 x 6 1/8 in; 254 x 160 mm). xvi, 272 pp (a-b4, B-C8, D-Z4, Aa-Kk4). Twenty-seven aquatints with original hand-coloring. Nine text woodcuts. Printed and illustrated boards.

Abbey, Life 414. Prideaux. p. 308. Cf. Tooley 195.

__________

This post freely adapted from a sketch transcript from the December 7, 1985 episode of Saturday Night Live.
__________

Book images courtesy of David Brass Rare Books, currently offering this copy, with our thanks. Image of Jon Lovitz courtesy of NBC.
__________
__________

Rare and Vintage Joke Books to Make the Season Jolly

Light up your Christmas party with  vintage knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and side-splitters. Or, pass the corn during Christmas dinner.

by Stephen J. Gertz

Roaring Jokes. No. 42. Laugh and be happy. Sixty laughs a minute.
The latest and greatest original jokes. Compiled by A Star Performer. 
 Baltimore: I & M Ottenheimer, n.d. (c. 1915)
16mo., pict. wrappers, 58pp., 6pp ads.

Between the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries in the United States a small handful of publishers dominated a rapidly growing genre of publication, the joke book. Meant for the masses, they possessed no pretensions to sophistication; the jokes were simple, sophomoric, and blunt. They were easy to "get." Going straight for the gut the jokes never went over anyone's head. To the contrary, they conked you right on the noggin. Crude, and by contemporary standards, vulgar, this was the humor of the man in the street and working class.

Choice Dialect and Vaudeville Stage Jokes.
Containing Side Splitting Stories, Jokes, Gags, Readings
and Recitations in German, Irish, Scotch, French,
Chinese, Negro and other Dialects.
Chicago: Frederick J. Drake & Co., (c. 1902).
Small 8vo., pict. wrappers, 181pp.

Ethnic jokes were all the rage. Stereotypes were milked for all they were worth.

Wehman Bros' Barber-Shop Jokes.  
New York: Wehman Bros., n.d. (c. 1908).
16mo., pict. wrappers, 58pp., 6pp ads.

The corner barber shop, a neighborhood hub where men would routinely congregate, was the source for news, gossip, and the latest jokes. Barbers often bore the brunt of the humor.

A man walks into a barber shop and sits in the chair. The barber asks "how do you want your haircut?" the man says "I want it short on one side, uneven on the other side, crooked in the front and a hacked up in the back." The barber said "I don't know if I can do that." The man replied "I don't know why not, that's exactly what you did last time.

The Great Lingard. Joker. Full of A. 1. Side-Splitters - Funny Stories -
Natty Anecdotes - Tip-Top Jests - And Heaps of "Bully" Conundrums.
New York: Frederic A. Brady, (c. 1870). Later edition (ca. 191-?).
12mo., pict. wrappers, 64pp.

OTT, Irv. New Italian Joke Book.
A Select Collection of the Latest and Best Italian Jokes,
Monologues, Stories, etc, Used by the Most Renowned
Celebrities of the American Stage. 
 Baltimore: I & M Ottenheimer, n.d. (c. 1909)
16mo., pict. wrappers, 63pp.

What's the difference between an Italian grandmother and an elephant?

       50 pounds and a black dress.
 

Who knew that Baltimore was once a major center for the publication of jokes? I. and M. Ottenheimer, founded in 1890, published childrens books, cookbooks, pop-ups, and joke books. Brother Irving was the jokemeister under the pseudonym, Irv Ott. It remained in business until 2002 when the laughs that never quit finally succumbed to senescence and/or political correctness.

The hobo-tramp was a ripe object for humor. Hold the rim-shot:

What's the name for a short-legged tramp?

       A low-down bum.

OTT, Irv. (edited by). New Tramp Joke Book.
Containing a Select Collection of Monologues Jokes,
Funny Stories, etc., as Told by Leading Footlight Artists. 
 Baltimore: I & M Ottenheimer, n.d. (ca. 191-?)
16mo., pict. wrappers, 62pp., 2pp ads.

Jewish jokes, were, in their infancy in the U.S., called Hebrew jokes. Perhaps the word "Hebrew" was more amusing than "Jewish;" it can be played with on the tongue, HE-brew, HEE-brew, who, what? which may have made for funnier oral delivery. Funnier to whom is another question.

A Hebrew took his boy Ikey to the theater and went up in the gallery. The play was so exciting Ikey leaned over the railing and fell downstairs. His father got excited and hollered:

"Ikey, for God's sake, come back. It costs a dollar down dere."

That joke, 103 years old, appeared in The New Hebrew Joke Book, issued by Irving and Moses Ottenheimer in 1907. According to their grandson, Allan T. Hirsh, their motivation was simply to satisfy the huge demand for ethnic humor, no matter what ethnic group.

Wehman Bros. Hebrew Jokes No. 1.
New York: Wehman Brothers, 1906.

"Woolworth's sold those books for 10 cents," he said. "They sold them by the carload."

Irv and Moe harvested humor wherever they could find it, and they usually found it in the theater, although the theaters they found it in could never be accused of purveying Culture.

"My grandfather's secretary told me he used to take her to the burlesque show to get jokes," Mr. Hirsh said. "She took her pad to write and she wrote so much she never looked up."

With its roots in early eighteenth century European theatrical and musical parody, Burlesque (not to be confused with Burl Ives) in the United States, with its addition of the strip-tease to the mix of jokes and songs (thus sinking it to the lowest, though nonetheless popular, form of theatrical entertainment), became the crucible in which modern American comedy was made.

OTT, Lester B. (compiled by). You Tell 'Em Funny Sayings...
The Latest in Novelty Jokes.
Baltimore: I & M Ottemnheimer, n.d. (ca. 191-?)
16mo., pict. wrappers, 64pp.
Each entry begins "You tell 'em...",
i.e. "You tell 'em, June. And don't July."

That ethnic humor was once so popular should come as no surprise. It followed the huge waves of immigration of the nineteenth through the early twentieth centuries, and greeted immigrants to America as soon as they disembarked. Humor provided a non-violent release for the deep anxieties that the huge influx of immigrants inspired in the native-born.  Per usual, humor was the best, if often bitter-tasting medicine, and Burlesque provided the spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.

Ethnic humor was as necessary to the immigrants as it was to the native-born. It provided them with ammunition for self-defense, one immigrant group could laugh at another; the fecal matter rolled downhill, from one group to another, until it landed on the latest.

Smiles. Side Splitting Jokes. No. 36.
Containing a Wonderful Selection of Jokes,
Witty-Sayings Etc. New and Original.
Baltimore: I & M Ottemnheimer, n.d. (c. 1915)
16mo., pict. wrappers, 58pp., 6pp ads.

The market for ethnic humor was not confined to immigrant groups. Defying gravity, often the ubu rolled uphill. The white elite was celebrated and sent up as  the Smart Set, a moniker widely established in popular American culture by the introduction, in 1900,  of Colonel William d'Alton Mann's new magazine of the same name, the self-proclaimed "Aristocrat Among Magazines,"  a slogan and  group begging for ridicule, aristos traditionally fair game to the masses.

The era was a free-for-all  of competitive, inter-ethnic humor, no group safe, no holds barred. It was war by punchline, and the war toughened you up, yet at the same time softened shoulders and elbows in the mix. In its heyday, ethnic humor made it a little easier for everyone to live together without going at each others' throat.

Up-To-Date Smart Set Jokes. No. 48.
A selection of original classical jokes,
laughable stories, witty sayings, etc.
Baltimore: I & M Ottenheimer, n.d. (c. 1915)
16mo., pict. wrappers, 58pp., 6pp ads.

In Répétition Générale, an article appearing in the July 21, 1921 issue of Smart Set, H.L. Mencken  and George Jean Nathan wrote, "I have always been of the opinion that the so-called comic weeklies exercise a far more profound influence on the life of a community than the so-called serious weeklies. It is the trick of life to conduct itself not after the serious criticisms of itself but after the humorous. The personal conduct of the average American community is affected more greatly by Lifes, Pucks, and Judges, than by the Nations, Freemans, and New Republics."

These joke books were the genesis of the comic weekly magazines that emerged 1910 - 1925, i.e. Captain Billy's Whiz Bang and those that Mencken and Nathan cite above.

IRISH, Marie. The Christmas Entertainer.
Recitations, Monologues, Drills with Songs,
Exercises and Dialogues for All Ages.
Chicago: T. S. Denison & Co., (c. 1919).
Sm. 8vo., pict. wrappers, 134pp. With illustrations.

Finally, for the budding Santa stand-up comic and all-'round entertainer, a couple of  vintage stocking-stuffers.

KELLOGG, Alice M. Christmas Entertainments.
Containing Fancy Drills, Acrostics, Motion Songs,
Tableaux, Short Plays, Recitation in Costume.
For Children of Five to Fifteen Years.
 Phil.: Penn Publ. Co., 1920. (c. 1907).
Sm. 8vo., pict. wrappers, 120pp.

D'ja hear the joke about Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer's Christmas dinner? 

       It was a real turkey.

And so are most of the jokes found within these books. They embarrass us. They're awful. We feel guilty.  Particularly when we can't help it and laugh, if only to ourselves. There is no getting around the fact that a great deal of humor is usually at someone else's expense.

While we've presented these books within the context of making Christmas a little bit merrier, the real  gift is that they provide one of the best historical sources of pre-Modern American humor that can be found. If you are a fan and student of comedy, there is no better way to become acquainted with its past. If you are a sociologist and historian there may be no better way to gauge the tenor of an era than by its humor; few things are as revealing as that which makes us laugh. 

And if you are considering getting into book collecting and seek a fun and fascinating entry point  and are on a budget, rare, vintage joke books are an ideal area to collect in. All the books displayed here are available for less than $100, often much less.

__________

With the exception of Wehman Bros. Hebrew Jokes, all images are courtesy of David Mason Books, which is currently offering the books for sale.
__________
__________