Tuesday, January 12, 2010

U.S. Gov’t Recall Alerts Readers: These Books May Shock You!

Beware the Water Garden of Doom.

In what may be a category first, the United States Consumer Product Safety Commission has announced a voluntary recall of nine books, in concert with their publisher.

Consumers should stop reading these books immediately unless otherwise instructed, and contact Oxmoor House for a full refund.

“About 951,000” copies of these books, on shelves from January 1975 through December 2009 for between $13 and $35, are currently in circulation, posing a threat to personal and residential safety. No fires, shocks, burns, injuries or deaths of any nature, including disbelief, have yet been reported as a result of these books but one can never be too careful. The books don't need to be rewritten, they need to be rewired.

The books in question are home improvement/DIY volumes that include six titles from Sunset.

Sunset? The end of the world is nigh. And has been since, at least, 1975, when these books first posed a threat, of sorts. Maybe. Who knows? Can I get a witness?

The Amazing Incendiary Patio Deck.
Guests overstay their visit?
Flame on!

If instructions are followed, the potential result will be a This Old House dire blooper reel because “the books contain errors in the technical diagrams and wiring instructions that could lead consumers to incorrectly install or repair electrical wiring, posing an electrical shock or fire hazard to consumers.”

Repair your radiant heat toilet seat and toast your butt to golden brown.
(Hint: Cream cheese is an excellent, cooling balm).

Wire the master bedroom doorlock and the kids will never
be shocked by your intimate behavior again.
(The issue will be moot; they'll be dead).

Why go halfway with insurance claims? Times are tough.
Completely rewire your home and reap the $$$$ of a total loss.

Energy Saving Idea #1
Follow the instructions and it's lights out!
(Note radiant aura of 1,000,000 volts coursing through fingers).

Lest you believe that dear, dependable, now dangerous Sunset is the only reliable purveyor of DIY books with something extra, a little - what? - spark, Lowe's offers these titles to bring excitement into the otherwise ho-hum world of home repair:

"How To Get The Job Done Right." Wrong!

Kitchen, bathroom, exterior, painting - You can do it all!
(With ambulance on-call).

The essential guide to destroying your home.
It's a cinch!

If, per improbable chance, you have experienced injury or property damage as the result of reading and executing the instructions in these books or require additional information, contact Oxmoor House toll-free at (866) 696-7602 anytime, or visit the firm’s Web site at www.sunsetrecall.com

P.S.: Should you have more than six of these nine books next to one another on a bookshelf, you may wish to consider investing in insulated bookends. You can never be too careful. Consult your local book seller-electrician.

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